Christmas...2009

We celebrated Christmas early this year, because my younger brother was to leave for the MTC on the 23rd of December, we later learned that they wanted him to enter on the 16th instead. Luckily my sister and her family were able to make it, even though it was a whole week earlier than planned. He had is farewell on the 13th, and it was fabulous. We then decided to have Christmas on the 12th so that he could be there with us. We had a great time. McKelle was fun to watch, she of course got spoiled, and loved the wrapping paper! It was fun watching her have her first Christmas, even though she of course had no real understanding of what was going on, you could still see that she liked her new toys and books! We then got to have a small Christmas with Alex's family on Christmas day, and that too was so much fun! We also decided to go to Alvin and the Chipmunks the Squeakual, it was a cute movie, and McKelle loved dancing to the music, she really seemed to like it haha. Christmas time was great this year, spending with family and getting to see those that I don't get to see as often as I would like, I miss my sister and her family when they aren't here. I sure am going to miss my younger brother, but those in Brazil are sure going to be lucky to have him.

4 month stats...

Weight: 12 pounds, 9 ounces
Length: 25.3 inches

My heart took a picture.

On November 10th, 2001, my little one Bradley Kay was born. We had a lot of hope for this little guy, because up until the day I had him, we were told that this one was different then my other two, who were born with Potters Syndrome, a disease where you are unable to develop kidneys, and therefore lungs. On the morning of November 10th my water broke, that alone was different then both Joy and Kyle, but when we got there, they wanted to do one other ultrasound just in case, so that they would be prepared for any problems. So we did the ultrasound and it was then that we learned that everything had deteriorated, so what had been developing was no more. Even then I would not believe that anything was wrong. Soon enough it was time to have him, he of course was beautiful. But right away we all knew that he was not going to make it. I think of all of them often, but some days do hit harder. What a true true blessing McKelle is, I just love her so much! (Wonder if she knew her brothers and sister). Two and half hours after he was born, he took his last breath, and as he was slipping away, my heart took a picture.

The Joy of Laughter!

McKelle started laughing a couple of weeks ago, and it is the most beautiful sound. It is like a song, that you never want to forget, and want to put on repeat!

3.5 months!

The breaking of a mothers heart.

At Mckelle's two month mark, I brought up some concerns to her doctor that I had about her feeding. She was latching on perfectly and just eating so so well, that I felt she was getting plenty. The problem was, she seemed to be eating ALL the time. I could not get her in a routine, I tried to hold her off for at least two hours, no matter what I would feed her at least two hours apart...but a lot of the time she would just have to eat before that and it would be as though I had been starving her. Her doctor suggested I talk to my doctor about these concerns. I was thoroughly checked, and whereas I have milk, I do not produce enough to be able to give her all that she needs and requires at a feeding. It broke my heart to hear this, it was and always has been my hope to be able to breastfeed and take care of my child in that way. The doctor was well aware of my previous history with my pregnancy's and children, she has no way of fully knowing but feels, my body was use to running dry. I still have milk, but I'm NEVER full, and even pumping I can barely get an ounce at a time. So now she eats about every two to three hours on a perfect routine, I first breastfeed her, and then give her 4 ounces of formula, or until she is full. I can now tell a huge difference, the poor darling was never full. I kept it to myself, and didn't want anybody to know that I couldn't even feed her, it literally breaks my heart. I guess it happens a lot, but I never even thought it would happen to me, I thought that as long as she was eating I was giving her what she needed. I still wish I didn't have to share this, but I have noticed a lot of comments lately that make it hard not to.( "I think formula is super unhealthy, it can not immulate nature like breastmilk". "Breastfeeding is the best and the ONLY right thing to do" ..."Anyone who chooses to not do it is seriously missing out on so much.".... "nursing is the best thing for you and your baby").....Where I agree with those comments, I am also aware that, sometimes the choice is taken out of our hands, and that moment when you look at yourself and realize you aren't doing what every one of those comments are saying is one more tear in a heart that is already breaking.

2 month appointment

Well the appointment was on September 14th, so as you can see I am a bit behind on posting. I can start by saying, like all moms I did not like her having to get her shots! They hurt my little girl, and therefore hurt me. But all in all, everything was perfect with her, at that time she was 9 ponds 11 ounces and 22 inches long, and moving right along. She is so much fun, and I love her so much! She smiles so much, and tells "stories" throughout the day, it is the cutest and sweetest thing ever! They do grow so fast, and you find yourself not wanting to miss any little thing!